'Lizard Birth' >
> If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
> syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
> below will have you laughing out LOUD!
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
>
> Here's what happened:
>
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
his
> room.
>
> 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can
> you help?'
>
> I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
> his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
> looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
>
> 'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
>
> 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'
>
> 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!'
>
> I was equally outraged.
>
> 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
> reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
>
> 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she
> inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
>
> 'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in
my most
> loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
>
> 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
>
> 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she
> informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
> shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>
> 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced.
'We're
> about to witness the miracle of birth.'
>
> 'Oh, gross!' they s hrieked
>
> 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a
litter of
> tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
> foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
> 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
>
> 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
>
> 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
it
> next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
> It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
>
> 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
>
> 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern
here
> with the females in my house?)
>
> 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the
vet with my
> son holding the cage in his lap.
>
> 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
>
> 'I don't think l izards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him.
(Women can
> be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
> but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.)..
>
> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
> animal through a magnifying glass.
>
> 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
>
> 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron,
may I speak
> to you privately for a moment?'
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
> 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
>
> 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in
labor. In
> fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
> Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
> they come into maturity, like most male species, they um... um...
> masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
> glancing at my wife.
>
> We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just, just . . .
excited,'
> my wife offered.
>
> 'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
>
> More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
> And then even laugh loudly.
>
> 'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that
the woman
> I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness..
>
> Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that... I'm
picturing
> you pulling on its... its... teeny little...' She gasped for more air
to
> bellow in laughter once more.
>
> 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly
bundled the
> lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
> to be okay.
>
> 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he
told me.
>
> 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>
> Two lizards: $140.
>
> One cage: $50.
>
> Trip to the vet: $30.
>
> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
>
> Priceless!
>
> Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
>
> Lizards lay eggs!
